No dates, no plans, almost no texts
Photo: martin-dm/Getty Images The first time I realized I was entirely by myself, I was sitting on the floor of my apartment eating frozen pizza and drinking wine out of a coffee mug. It was ten o’clock at night, and after spending the bulk of the evening trying to squeeze an oversized coffee table out of my car, up the stairs, and into my apartment, I’d given up, leaving it stuck there with the door half open. I blinked back tears, and wished I had someone to call to help me.
My self-imposed hiatus started off as an accident. If someone had told me at the beginning how I’d spend the next year — no dates, few texts, next to no plans — it would have seemed unfathomable to me. But then the breakup happened, and I set the metaphorical phone to vibrate and let myself disappear.
Living alone in a new city offered the chance to cut the ties that had trapped me in a cycle of less-than-stellar interactions. Suddenly, I wasn’t socially obligated to hang out with “friends” whom I had little in common with beyond the fact that I’d known them a long time. The divorce from that social circle also dropped me off the radar of the same group of guys that seemed to light my phone up whenever they needed conversation.
There were moments of paralyzing frustration and loneliness, like when I received dream career news about a piece I’d written, and discovered I didn’t know who else to call other than my mom. When my car stalled in an area where Uber wasn’t yet mainstream, I popped the hood, gritted my teeth, and reminded myself that I was self-sufficient. But those reminders didn’t come easily: When I was with my ex, I’d co-opted his confidence; once he left, it did, too.
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