Is a $79 bidet really better than toilet paper for the environment...and your butt? leahrumack tried it
, and anyone who wants to help prevent “haemorrhoids, skid marks and dingleberries.” In 2018, Michael Che waxed rhapsodic about bidets in a Weekend Update monologue onafter Tushy’s cheeky ads were rejected by New York City transit authorities: “People need to know about bidets! I just got one and it changed my life. It’s glorious. Food tastes better. I can jump higher. I want children now. I’m a better person. You know, the first time I used it, I cried.
“Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!” a crescendo-ing squeal is coming from my upstairs bathroom. It starts as a tenor, but then rises to a perfect castrato soprano. It’s our Tushy’s inaugural day on the job*, and my husband, intrepid soldier, is the first to experience Tushy’s tender touch, which is not so much tender as an extremely pointed missile of cold water right up your butt.
“Do you like it?” I ask him eagerly through the bathroom door, notebook in hand. “What do you like about it exactly?”He disconnected the water that goes into the toilet tank by unscrewing the hose, and then put the Tushy—which basically looks like a small radio—between the toilet and the water supply, sort of similar to the way you would use a power bar to plug in multiple devices at once.
My 8-year-old—perhaps better known as the only human who can use an entire roll of toilet paper in one sitting in the Drain Destroy Extravaganza of 2016—is a fan of Tushy, but unless he positions himself just so, his little arse doesn’t take up enough space, so the spray just parkours off his backside and coats the bathroom in a tsunami of icy cold good intentions.
“I feel violated,” my friend whimpers after a test drive. “It’s like a burst of terror—I’m never going to recover. It’s so cold!”(We’re testing the
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