'Do I feel guilty for my decision to be estranged from my dad? Always. But do I regret it? No.'
Either way, I'd open those letters with trembling hands knowing that for days afterwards I'd be in an emotional black hole and there was little anyone could say to make me feel less wretched.. I'm not sure what I expected. The hospital had encouraged me to do so as the prognosis looked bleak at the time and maybe deep down a part of me really wanted my dad to be the one to reassure me that everything was going to be OK.
That doesn't mean that I didn't cry on birthdays. Or that I didn't agonise over who would walk me down the aisle if I ever got married. Of course I felt a stab of jealousy wondering if my dad would drive his partner's daughter to her friend's house, then sit in the car around the corner reading until she was ready to leave. It was something he had always done for me when I was a teenager so I would get home safely.
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