Many arguments are based on mismatches in memory, allowing both people to feel completely right. Remembering to think about what your partner is saying can help expose what you're really arguing about.
One important example is a series of belittling comments that each person made in retaliation for a previous belittling comment by the other person, who made their comment in retaliation for something the first person said yesterday, and so forth. In these chains of causality, there are no cut-points that mark the beginning and end of episodes, but people often imagine that there are. This results in disagreements about when a conflict began and who started it.
When this type of misunderstanding occurs in couples or families, they can often learn a lot by pushing back the boundaries of the episodes until they take in more of the interaction history. One useful question is, “What was on your mind when you reacted to me like that?”of the other person’s past behavior in similar situations.
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