'It would come out when I least wanted it to, like when I was laughing with friends at a bar, or when I was on a date. It would come out and look me in the eye, and I’d say, 'Oh, you again.''
is a column by Senior Editor Eric Kim, who loves cooking for himself—and only himself—and seeks to explore solitude in its many forms.I once took a fiction writing course in college where a boy named Patrik, who was from Portland, Maine, sat next to me all semester. Tall, blonde, and lanky, he wore oversized green sweaters and had a smile as big as his face. He was a lovely writer.
Years later, I would learn that I was right. Boys from Maine are the nicest, and they can pull you out of anything. At least for a little while. After college I started graduate school in New York. I had just been diagnosed with major depressive disorder by my psychiatrist, after years of fighting it on my own as a teenager and never having a name for it. It’s funny how things can grow limbs and hair and immeasurable darkness when you just name them. But my depression was never obviously present. It would come out mostly at night like a boogie monster, as I lied in bed until 3 a.m.
So in the spring, I dropped out and got a job instead. Working in an office was the change of pace I needed to reset my outlook for the year. It was fun and, more importantly, a distraction from all of my problems. But I lapsed again in the winter. I stopped eating and started losing weight. It didn’t help that it was December 2016, and half of America seemed to be grieving the loss of its sense of self.
That’s when I thought of Patrik and the short stories about Maine he had inspired me to write, even though I had never been. That’s when I thought, if there were one place I could go to get better, then maybe it was Maine. So I bought a plane ticket , told my boss I’d be out of the office from Friday to Monday, and set off.
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