'Everyone’s memory of their high-school self includes some historical revisionism, but I don’t think I actually meant to be 'mean.' I wanted a laugh; I wanted to be right.'
“There are two kinds of people in the world,” says anyone who thinks they’ve made an incisive, singular observation about humanity at large. Here’s mine: There are people who stay fundamentally the same, and there are people who change.
Instead of internalizing the message to shut up, I pushed against it—hard. I also remember feeling tiny, in pain and aware that somehow I had to survive. I was still, of course, a beyond sensitive, highly emotional book nerd—which is, counterintuitively, optimal raw material for becoming a short-term bitch. Like other mean girls, I was mostly using the ice to protect my insides, which I knew were softer than peanut butter M&M’S in a hot car. I turned my empathy against itself: Being “nice” felt regressive and weak—what girls who wanted to please people aimed for.
I also knew by then that, like all women, I have access to enormous, inherent power and started to see how I’d been using it wrong— deconstructing without constructing anything better in its place. My power is a lot about how my wonder and genuine interest in people let me sort of see them and make them feel something: I send friends on blind dates with guys they end up marrying; I recommend a book that someone tells me changed their life; I introduce a colleague to their next mentor.
Meditation to address one’s anxiety should be a ubiquitous solution . The benefits of mindfulness meditation will reveal themselves to anyone who breaks their phone and for two days is as blissfully unencumbered as
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