After leaving the church, tarot became jeannakadlec's salvation.
When I first ordered a tarot deck, I didn't tell anyone. Tarot became a solitary practice for me, a curiosity, something I was exploring for reasons about which I wasn't entirely clear. It was something I did alone during the dark nights of the soul—which, more often than not, were actually most acute at three in the afternoon on a Wednesday.
So, I was teaching myself to read tarot, in order to read myself. I didn't tell anyone about it, though. I wasn't ready to open myself up to the criticism I thought automatically came with anything associated with the occult: You believe in that? Seriously? It was easier, I thought, to practice alone.
Pain connects us more quickly than almost anything else, and praying for someone is a way of sitting with them in their pain while still accessing a feeling of action, of doing something. It is a powerful thing, to speak the same spiritual language as your closest friends, to have an immediate, intimate way to sit with each other in the deepest dark.
Eventually, though, my comfort in my new life settled, as did the cards in my hand. Eventually, I started casually mentioning my tarot and journaling practice to close friends, who asked me questions, wanted to hear about it, wanted to know why and how and, also, could I read for them, maybe? Sometimes—to my great surprise—my friends even read cards themselves. They just didn't share their practice, either. We were in graduate school; we were supposed to be rational, reasonable, objective.
These days, I'm extremely out, as it were, about reading tarot. It's my party trick for parties and picnics, but it's also more than that.
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