“We wrote the traditional marriage vows: in sickness and in health. As soon as this happened, I remembered that part of the vow and I said, Okay, this is what you’re in it for. And now you’ve got to prove you can do it. It was a privilege”
Robert Christgau and Carola Dibbell in 2019. Photo: Courtesy of Robert Christgau and Carola Dibbell They say you can never understand someone else’s marriage. But this week, New York Magazine and the Cut decided to try. We interrogated dozens of couples to see what makes their marriages work — or not.
Carola: As we sat around getting stoned before the show, Bob said, “How are you? What’s been going on?” I, of course, told him every bad thing that had happened to me lately.Carola: Well, my brother was a person of interest in a murder. I was completely spaced out about that. It was like there was this empty place in me. Bob strode into that empty place with understanding of what I was going through. I don’t mean compassion. I mean intellectual understanding. It was really explosive.
Robert: Every marriage is different, and it’s impossible to understand your own marriage, really, much less anybody else’s. Sex has a logic and a history of its own. It can be that the sex itself takes off in some way, then that feeds the emotion, rather than the other way around. Robert: Every once in a while, we would have a fight about money, because Carola has trouble writing. She’s very slow. When it’s a six-month period, yeah … sometimes I would get pretty upset. Once … can I tell that story or no?Robert: When I decided that the reason you weren’t writing is that I loved you? And that, therefore, I had to stop loving you?Carola: You said, “Maybe if I withheld love from you, then you’d write faster!” I could not believe it.
Robert: We even did the England tour, right? And we saw the Clash at Leeds, right? But we couldn’t conceive a child, and that was a tragedy. It was just not the agenda we had written for ourselves, but what we got instead was ten years of musical ferment that we’d shared, and even though it was interrupted by the affair, we got something back from not being able to conceive a child.
Carola: I basically felt that way too, but there were always moments when it looked like we weren’t going to bring it off. Robert: It can be more like a chronic illness than a terminal illness. Usually people die of something else. Robert: I think about it in terms of sex, I’m sure, because sex remains very important to us, thanks to GlaxoSmithKline, you know? I mean, we were prepared for the long haul.
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