Vatican Tour Group Catches Glimpse Of Pale, Emaciated Joseph Ratzinger Scuttling Into Dark Catacombs

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Vatican Tour Group Catches Glimpse Of Pale, Emaciated Joseph Ratzinger Scuttling Into Dark Catacombs
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VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Peter’s Basilica on Tuesday, several stunned members of a Vatican sightseeing group told reporters they had glimpsed a gaunt and haggard Joseph Ratzinger as he scuttled past them in the dark corridors of the subterranean burial site.

As they approached the deepest recesses of the Vatican Necropolis, the tourists said they were startled by a shadowy form that emerged briefly from a hidden alcove, let out a screech, and shielded its eyes from the light before scrambling out of sight. Church sources later stated that the sickly, rail-thin figure was likely the former Pope Benedict XVI, who has been periodically spotted skulking around the underground tombs over the past two years.

Members of the tour group described Ratzinger as having a sunken chest, hairless body, and thin, almost translucent skin revealing a vast patchwork of veins underneath. After His Holiness fled, the tourists reportedly came across a nest made from filthy scraps of old papal vestments and Apostolic Palace tapestries in the corner of a mausoleum, which they said had been heavily soiled.

“Last month, Cardinal [Gerhard Ludwig] Müller and Cardinal [Robert] Sarah found the pope emeritus crouching on the baptismal font in the Sistine Chapel lapping up holy water, and they had to chase him off with a broom,” said Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi, who noted that the filth-caked Ratzinger had appeared crazed with thirst, raising serious concerns for his health among the curia.

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