In her first interview since Jennifer Aniston's split from Brad Pitt, she details the conflicting emotions toward the man she still loves: 'I'll never let myself down like that again.' VFArchive
evertheless, as Pitt publicly flaunted the instant family he had created with Jolie, the tableaux of their newfound togetherness were humiliating."I would be a robot if I said I didn't feel moments of anger, of hurt, of embarrassment," Aniston acknowledges.
She'll toss off a crack about Pitt's startling transformation into a punky bleached blond."Billy Idol called—he wants his look back," she murmurs with a sly smile. She rolls her eyes, pretending to screw something into her forehead."There's a sensitivity chip that's missing," she says. But after the relationship became public, it was always difficult to reconcile their mythic image with the quotidian reality of their private life, which was more likely to involve watching television, ordering takeout, and having close friends over than swanning around on red carpets.
"I think Jen wanted to work it out, and I don't think he wanted to work it out," Andrea Bendewald observes."I don't think he knew what he wanted." "I just don't know what happened," Aniston admits."There's a lot I don't understand, a lot I don't know, and probably never will know, really. So I choose to take away with me as much integrity and dignity and respect for what that relationship was as I can. I feel as if I'm trying to scrounge around and pick up the pieces in the midst of this media circus."
But he soon became emotionally unavailable to his wife, at a time when she needed him desperately. Pitt's withdrawal coincided with the end ofwhich Aniston experienced as a huge loss."That was really painful. It was a family, and I don't do great with families splitting up," says Aniston, who was deeply wounded by her parents' bitter divorce, which happened when she was 9.
She made more profound mistakes as well."I wouldn't give over so much of myself, which I did at times," she admits."It was that thing about being a nurturer; I love taking care of people, and I definitely put his needs before mine sometimes. It's seamless; somewhere along the way, you sort of lose yourself. You just don't know when it happens. It's such an insidious thing, you don't really see where it started— and where you ended.
Although Aniston incurred criticism for distancing herself from her mother, who did not attend her wedding, she offers no apologies."I feel pretty good about the choices I've made. The choice of not speaking to Mom for a while—that's ours. Nobody else has to understand it. The same thing with Brad and myself," she says."I wouldn't change my childhood, I wouldn't change my heartaches, I wouldn't change my successes.
She has always fretted about her appearance, although that is often hard for others to believe. Posing for hercover shoot, Aniston was equally fetching in French-dance-hall-girl black stockings and in a half-open oversize shirt that evoked every man's favorite just-rolled-out-of-bed look. With her tousled hair, cobalt-blue eyes, and dazzling smile, she seemed the ultimate adorable sexpot.
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