The reality of my mother's death was so brutal for me because I had kids. And as time goes on, the reminders of this loss just stack up and up and up.
When my mother died, I remember telling sympathetic friends, “We’re all going to go through this. I just happen to be the first one.”
There were cookies to make and gifts to wrap. There were holiday concerts and Santa visits. Putting their lives on hold was not an option, and since I am their primary source of affection, attention, comfort, and safety, I had no choice but to continue the same level of giving to which they were accustomed.
People would ask if I was okay, and I’d always say, “I have to be. There is no other choice.” It was the truth. Life was going on. The tone was being set. My kids weren’t trying to screw me out of the grieving process. They were just kids whose innocence I desperately tried to protect.because During such happy moments, I am reminded of her absence from them. Even in forgettable moments, I’m reminded. They pop up everywhere I turn. I find myself saving useless baby toys only because she bought them, I quietly say “no” every time my phone rings and my daughter asks if it’s Grammie calling, I cry when my oldest puts a hole in a pair of pants Mom had picked out for her. I nearly died myself when I reached in the closet and pulled out the last box of too-big clothes.
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