One woman on being terrified of getting pregnant again after her abortion and the pep talk she had to give herself to have sex
“I had been with my partner, who I’m still with, for a year and a half when I got pregnant. I was 23, I was on the birth control patch, and I actually got my period, but it was very light—it was different. I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative, but I just had this feeling that I was pregnant, so I took another one. The lines weren’t clear. Finally, I got a blood test done, and the clinic called when I was by myself in my apartment.
I knew it was the right decision for me at that time, but I didn’t realize what the emotional recovery would be like. I felt so guilty. I had to rebuild my self-worth, and I had to forgive myself. We waited at least three months to have sex again, and having sex was definitely a step in the journey of forgiving myself. I felt like I—not that I didn’t deserve to enjoy sex again, but kind of.
I also was terrified of getting pregnant again. I think there was maybe a week where, every night, I thought, OK, maybe I can do this, maybe I can try to have sex, and then I wouldn’t. I had to give myself a little pep talk. Not having sex wasn’t anything my partner ever spoke about. I initiated it, and he didn’t seem to expect it, but he also didn’t act surprised. It was very tender, very gentle, and on my terms, which made it easier. But we used a condom as well as the patch.
When I got my period after we had sex again—relief doesn’t begin to describe it. After that, I still took three pregnancy tests a month for a year. I bought them relentlessly. I spent so much money. I would eat something and feel bad, and I’d think, Oh my god, I’m pregnant again. It felt like I couldn’t do anything without getting pregnant. Even to this day, I keep a box of pregnancy tests.
I don’t think I felt normal during sex for at least a year after the abortion. I could slip out of my head for a few moments during sex, but as soon as it was over, all I could think about was What if? I was consumed by what ifs. I think it was moving to another country five years ago that finally snapped me out of it. Everything back at home reminded me of my experience, so it was such a luxury that I was given a fresh start. It really felt like starting over in so many ways.
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