A dad on diving into surrogacy, the reason he and his partner tried for twins, and spending $171,000 throughout the whole process
Because no two paths to parenthood look the same, the Cut’s How I Got This Baby invites parents to share their stories. Want to share yours? Email [email protected] and tell us a bit about how you became a parent.
On deciding how to have kids. When I told my husband I wanted to have kids, I had assumed adoption. But he’d actually meant pursuing surrogacy and having genetically related children. We didn’t have any huge fights about this, but we were not initially on the same page. My original thought was that adoption would be the way to go — there are already children in the world, that line of thinking.
On an emotional shift in their plans. I call her my sister-in-law, but she’s actually my brother’s ex-wife. I’m very, very close with my nephew, who’s 6 now, and I remain close with her. It was a tricky process: I wasn’t sure how she would feel, and I wasn’t sure how my brother would feel.
Meanwhile, our surrogacy agency had found a surrogate for us. She was on injectable medications, waiting. She’d been operating under the assumption that my sister-in-law’s eggs would be ready to be implanted within days. Everything had been aligned perfectly for this original plan. To prevent having to wait another cycle, we had about one week to choose an egg donor.
Finally, we found what we believed was the perfect donor: a Persian woman with very good test scores. There had been another that I was very keen on but my husband wanted to keep looking; while we hesitated, she was snatched up by someone else. When we found this donor, we were both in immediate agreement, and called up the agency and basically asked what we needed to do to secure her so no one else took her.
For us, going for twins was mostly a financial decision. Twins cost $5,000 extra. That’s what you have to pay the surrogate — just $5,000 extra, and that’s only if both embryos take. There’s no extra cost to the agency, with the egg donor, with the IVF clinic. It’s just $5,000 one time. It’s this, versus going through the whole process — emotionally and financially — all over again. We knew we wanted two children, one genetically related to each of us.
On the third trimester. At around 28 weeks, we got the call that our surrogate had started massively bleeding. I was just about to get on the subway, and I spent the whole ride home trying not to sob. At home, we were able to get on a call with her and find out more details: She had placenta previa, which meant her placenta was covering her cervix and causing the bleeding. She had to stop working and go on bed rest for two weeks. She couldn’t lift anything, not even her children.
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