How fighting—when done right—can actually strengthen your relationship, by assael
Most of us hate fighting. By now, you have probably read somewhere that conflict is good for relationships, and yet arguing is still hard and can bring up feelings of frustration, despair, rage, and hopelessness.
Some people believe that fighting in intimate relationship is a bad sign: a sign of non-compatibility,In a previous post about conflict as a tool for growth, I described the two approaches to conflict: the turtle and the thunderstorm. The turtle naturally avoids conflict at all costs. The thunderstorm, on the other hand, goes straight to the eye of the storm. Many couples are composed of a thunderstorm and turtle. I recommend reading or even re-readingMost couples avoid fights altogether.
Most couples end their fight cycle here, after the cool down. But the truth is, we are only a third into the process. What is needed now is a recovery conversation, which gives a sense of resolution to fight, increases intimacy and connectedness, and helps unearth the relational diamonds that surfaced in the attack-attack phase.This is a very liminal, sensitive phase in which both partners are encouraged to take responsibility for their part of the fight.
. Give them some wiggle room to speak out loud and meet themselves. Remember that they are vulnerable in this phase, so cut them some slack.Since this is a liminal phase, there is only a little margin for error. Be prepared that one or both of you might get triggered back to attack mode. When this happens, do not despair. You can either suggest another time out until things calm down or try ato help be less self-conscious and go deeper. This will also help your partner listen less defensively.
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