In our long lost cover story from 2007, Johnny Depp and Keith Richards get pissed off about a skull ring and ponder sodomizing a reporter with a banana and tossing him off a balcony
. I was, of course, all puffed up and chesty. It was just the three of us, cozylike. And under such circumstances, who wouldn’t be feeling good? But it didn’t last long, because Richards took an instant, vigorous, and nearly chemical dislike of me and was soon threatening to stick a banana up my ass. No smiling, no kidding. As for Depp, I’d met him once before and we’d gotten along well, over wine and cigarettes, so well that he’d requested the magazine make me the one sitting here right now.
“Oh, it’s been great fun,” said Richards, the subtler of the two in this particular enterprise. “Johnny and I have just slowly gotten to know each other, so it’s not like there’s been some forged bonding. It’s just felt natural, no big deal. He’s a very, very straight-up guy.” Depp was the first to talk. “He’s the, he’s the originator of the skull rings,” he just about hissed, falling into the words.
And Richards said, “Then you think with your dick.” And then he said, “Anybody who can remember their first thought in the morning is a fucking weirdo.” And then he said, “There’s always the balcony.” And then when I came back, Depp took it upon himself to say, smugly, “We’ve come up with the seven deadly sins and decided not to tell you.”I looked at my watch. I’d been talking to these two for 14 minutes and 21 seconds. I had 45 minutes and 39 seconds left to my allotted time. What a horror show. And there was no stopping it.I did learn a few things.
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