“It’s not that I’m not interested in the person—it’s that I’m not interested in messaging the person constantly via my phone. Which are two different things,” says writer Daisy Jones.
, or they’re too busy messaging other people, or they’re simply boring, or some winning combination of all three. “If they wanted to, they would,” people love to say online, and that seems to apply to messaging you at all hours of the day and dropping whatever they’re doing to reply in an appropriately timely manner.
The thing is, I’ve always been a relatively dry texter—not just with partners, obviously, but with friends and family as well. When I was 12 or 13, I used to exchange scrunched-up notes across the classroom. My school best friend once remarked how cold I sounded on paper, and that it made her laugh. I remember feeling taken aback—I didn’t feel cold towards her, I felt warm. She was my favorite person.
These days I try not to sound “cold,” but I can admittedly be sporadic. I’ll reply to friends three days later, once I remember to. I’ll ignore the group chat for the week or two in which I don’t feel like looking at my phone. I’ll message only to arrange a time and place to meet, then send the odd meme or TikTok as and when. The idea that this is because I’m not interested in or bothered about whoever I’m messaging is so off the mark it’s laughable.
I have, on more than one occasion, been on the receiving end of one of those multiple-paragraph, blocks-of-text exchanges—sometimes as part of an argument. Receiving those sorts of messages makes my insides contract. I want to throw my phone across the room, or bury it in the garden. I’ve often wondered why this is, and haven’t come up with any definitive answers.
None of this is to say that I don’t like receiving or replying to messages. When I’m waiting for someone at a bar, or enjoying a meal on my own, I like to have something to read that isn’t TikTok, or the news, or weird subreddits. When my best friend relays something hilarious over WhatsApp, I’ll often laugh out loud, and return to the message when I need a pick-me-up. And the group chat has gotten me through all manner of crises.
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