I want the magic of being back in that life I once lived—because I loved that life and didn’t want to lose it.
Watching the same show again is like putting the mental load of solo parenting through a global pandemic and a climate crisis on mute. It’s not always possible to mute, of course. Sometimes, just lowering the volume for a little while is enough.I’ve written previously about the effect grief has had on my ability to consume new entertainment. It’s still hard for me to read a new book — though you wouldn’t know that from the pile of library books I check out with high hopes every week.
Without a doubt, living in the past isn’t where I need to be living right now. No one should hold onto the past so tight that they have no room to live their present. But that’s not what I’m doing. In almost every way, I’m moving forward — new house, new job, new boyfriend. In so many ways, my life looks nothing like it did during the time I first watched those shows.
One day I might watch “White Lotus” and “Mare of Easttown.” I truly hope I do. But post-loss, in the trenches of solo parenting, in a world mired in crises, I’m grateful to have found something that gives me a little comfort, a little certainty, a little feeling of home.
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