Perspective: A series of crises exposes an inner circle that has no problem asking for support, but isn't inclined to give it.
I understand, it’s been a colossally bad time for a lot of people. I’m actively trying to get a therapist, but what I need is advice about is how to shut off the flow. I can no longer listen to their woes and keep a semblance of sanity. Please give me some words to use. I have no support left to give.Oh, I feel for you. And I’m glad you’re ready to say your piece, because it’s not merely okay to be honest with your people — it’s essential.
· “Listen, I care about you and want to support you, but my own stress box is overflowing these days. Can we talk about ___ instead?” · “This is hard for me to tell people, but because we’re so close I know you’ll understand: I’ve been going through a lot of personal crises, and my capacity to give other people support/comfort is just tapped out right now.” And if they don’t get the message, repeat shorter versions as needed: “I’m sorry, but remember what I said about not being able to give support right now?” Or drop the “I’m sorry” — that’s my own reflex.· “I need to cut you off.
· The “I just can’t right now, sorry” is a vital first step. After that, consider whether your self-image is helping foster one-way support relationships around you. It took me decades to realize I never asked for support, so it mostly didn’t occur to people that I needed it. · Embedded in CH’s response is the idea that if you stop “dumpers” before they’ve finished unloading their stress, then they won’t get the release they sought by calling you. That might curb their impulse to call you in the first place.· One piece of advice from my therapist was to practice being “warm and closed” vs. “warm and open.” So you can be your kind, warm self, just not open to their stories: “Wow, that sounds terrible, good luck with that.
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