Satire by Alexandra Petri: After the Dominion suit, things here at Fox will be different!
FollowTo this end, we will be instituting a test for potential anchors where we ask them to read a series of increasingly outrageous statements. If applicants wince or appear to experience cognitive dissonance, we will send them packing. It’s no longer good enough to lie to viewers; you need to not know you’re doing it!
For anchors who wish to retain their positions, we will institute a retraining program. Those who wish to participate will be sent to Room 101, a sealed, brightly lit space with no windows or doors where they will be dealt with by the Ministry of Truth until they truly see all the ballots we claim to see instead of merely wishing to see them.
From now on, all internal Fox communications will be written onto a tiny slip of paper and carried back and forth by a flock of specially trained pigeons, which we will shoot if they start to develop a conscience about the messages! After each message is delivered, it will be eaten or burned — the recipient can choose! Any pigeons that start to express concerns will be sent to the Ministry for reeducation along with the anchors.
By implementing these simple policies, we can ensure that Fox continues successfully impersonating a news network for decades to come — or until the end of the republic, whichever comes first!
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