'Not great, Bob!' The case for actually being honest when people ask how you are:
, “There are downsides to pretending we don’t have needs: It denies that we’re human, and it robs our friends of the joy of giving. We’re not fun as fun to play with if we only sit at the bottom of the teeter-totter, never giving our friend a chance to push us up.”
A lot of people take it as indisputable fact that no one who asks “How are you?” wants a real answer. But...is that really always the case? Why have we all decided that this is true? I ask people how they are doing every day, and even if I’m saying it out of habit sometimes, I still want to know. And I’m not unusual in this regard; while there are certainly exceptions to this, it’s likely that the people in your everyday life do actually care on some level.
Positivity, because it’s a baseline requirement, forms the base of the triangle. But in this usage, positivity is not about being intractably upbeat. “Positivity does not refer to what we’re talking” Nelson tells SELF. Instead positivity refers to the joy, interest, humor, gratitude, and warmth that is present in each conversation, and the relationship as a whole. “Even when we’re hurting, we can be grateful, we can be curious, we can affirm other people.
Nelson says you can practice positivity even when you’re down by thanking the other person for listening, giving them permission to be happy about whatever is going on in their own life, being willing to laugh when you can, and remembering to say, “But enough about me; what’s new with you?”
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