DURHAM, NC—Shedding new light on the seemingly useless appendage, evolutionary biologists at Duke University published the results of a study this week in which they concluded that humans could lose their vestigial heads in less than 100 years. “We’re not exactly sure what purpose the head serves. Some say we need them to digest rocks, while others contend primitive man used them to smash things open, but there’s no consensus as to their function, yet all experts agree that we’ll soon be rid of them,” said lead researcher Dr. Dan McShea, who touted the ability to run faster as one of the many benefits of not being “burdened” by the misshapen secondary growth. “Heads were almost certainly integral at the onset of humanity, but now, they’re just useless. They’re frankly a gross deposit of cartilage, bone, and a surprisingly large cyst-like deposit of nerves. In other words, useless, from a biological standpoint, and they leave us incredibly vulnerable to decapitation. The humans of 200 years from now will be much better off without this pointless feature.” McShea cautioned the public against pursuing cosmetic cephalectomy surgery until the procedure has been proven safe.
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