My kids will never meet their grandma, but her stew will nourish them forever.
When my oldest daughter started school a few years ago, I decided it was time to restart the tradition. Even though I hadn't found my mother's goulash, my newfangled version soon became one of my daughter's favorites.the kind with a hard cover and removable pages bound together by a coil spine. I had searched for this cookbook so many times looking for that goulash recipe, and now, 20 years after my mother's passing, here it was right in front of me.
The Betty Crocker recipe was so much simpler than what I had been making. I had been using the classic beef stew approach, dipping chunks of meat into a seasoned flour, searing them, and then removing them from the pan to make a sauce, whereas my mother’s recipe just simmered all of the ingredients together in one pan.I was happy to find that my memory hadn’t entirely failed me because: Ketchup was indeed involved, as were onions and dried mustard.
The funny thing is, after so much time and preoccupation trying to find my mother’s recipe, I might stick to the version I’ve created myself. Because I realize it’s not just about the exact list of ingredients or method. The search to recreate this particular dish was itself the point: my effort to bring her back in some way, by finding that old taste of my childhood so I could share it with my own family years later.
My children will never know my mom, and of course this makes me sad. But they do get to experience a small piece of her, and my love for her, through this dish. My mother only made goulash once a year, but whenever my daughters ask for it, I oblige. I want them to remember every detail.
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