AskPolly: “I think I deserve better, but I don’t know what that even looks like at this point besides no friends. No friends might be better. Is adulthood just total loneliness and an inability to depend on others?”
I’m an introvert who works from home, so I don’t meet people often and it isn’t easy for me to make new friends. I’ve lived in the same city long enough that over many years I’ve developed a wonderful, diverse group of people I love. I most love my one-on-one interactions, but occasionally I consciously introduce two friends if I think they’ll hit it off .
When these friends seem to “show up,” it feels like they come to group events only because they’ll get the opportunity to see my other friends. It doesn’t feel like they’re there to support me or be a part of my life. I try to be present for them. I reach out when it seems like they’re struggling, or just to check in and listen. I try to be the same friend I’ve always been, but they’re definitely not the friends they used to be. It feels uneven, and it’s exhausting. It’s also ubiquitous.
When you’re dating, you have to block out the world and its bad noises: Don’t ask people you just started dating for feedback, don’t use bad dates as proof that there’s something wrong with you, and know in your heart that you’re good the way you are. When you’re pursuing a career, you have to trust your instincts: Don’t take cues from people who aren’t happy with their careers, and don’t let anyone tell you which career path you should pursue.
This was true because one of my core beliefs was that a good friend didn’t ask for things. A good friend didn’t need a lot. Being a good friend meant being totally self-sufficient, yet completely loyal and devoted. A good friend would drop everything for another friend whenever needed, but a good friend would never, ever expect another friend to do the same in return.
So listen. I don’t think you’re a mess of a person in general. But I do think that you have bad instincts when it comes to friendship. That doesn’t mean they aren’t being sloppy and insensitive, and having kids doesn’t give them a license to act that way. But I still want you to trust me when I tell you that these parent friends don’t see it as a liability that you have no mini-me of your own. They’re just starving for a good time, and they figure you’re already having one, and even if you aren’t, you don’t necessarily want to sit around watching people wipe shit off small asses.
While we were having coffee after lunch, she told me she cared about our friendship a lot, but she sometimes felt like I didn’t believe that. I had to dig deep and admit that, when I’m under some stress, I sometimes revert to a state of not believing that anyone cares about me, outside of my family. I also have some core belief that people are disappointing. I probably inherited this from my parents.
Personally, I’ll always prefer one-on-one interactions to groups for this reason and others. But it’s helped me a lot to understand my strange sensitivity to groups because it helps me to avoid taking bad social-media behaviors and bad text chains and other inherently pesky group dynamics personally.
Don’t cut yourself off. Don’t choose NO FRIENDS. Yes, I know it’s hard. But it’s harder to isolate yourself further. You’re going to have to work very assiduously to make new friends without kids, and you’re going to have to work even harder to accept and tolerate the “shitty” old friends who have kids. They’re not being fake by showing up on your social media.
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