AskPolly: 'I mean, am I just completely unlovable? Why do guys only want to have sex with me, never more?' hhavrilesky responds
I have always had issues with men. It stems from my dad , who killed himself when I was a baby. I never thought that this actually affected me at all until I got older. Still, I denied it for a long time, but even my mom would tell me that I needed to fix my problems with the male population. I was always afraid of men: my chiropractor, a male nurse, the guy bagging the groceries, even my stepdad. It was like a fear/hate relationship with literally every guy I met.
The aftermath was typical heartbreak stuff: sobbing to my mom, blocking his number, you know the drill. When I went home for winter break, I felt like I had finally gotten over him. I didn’t feel resentment or anger anymore when I thought about him. I know that I shouldn’t feel like there’s something wrong with me and that’s why guys walk all over me, but I do. People tell me to just not feel that way, but what do I do if I do feel that way and I want to know how to feel better?
But the rest of the world was a nightmare. Now at least I’m hearing the sounds that I used to make. So, yeah, I don’t give a shit if feminism is commodified, misinterpreted, warped, muddled, boxed up, laminated, and distributed in gum machines. I don’t care if women start getting the word feminist embroidered on ass pants or tattooed across their faces. I don’t care if people huff cans of spray paint that say FEMINISM on the side.
They are not that impressive. They are not that scary, for the most part. I often feel a teensy bit sorry for them, if I pay too much attention for a second, which I generally don’t. They struggle because they don’t know what they don’t know. They’re afraid of learning what they don’t know. I lost my virginity to a complete tool, just for example. He started dating one of my closest friends the next day. I was already compartmentalizing things emotionally before that happened, so I pushed the whole event out of my mind. I decided he was an anomaly and other men would be different. Some were, some weren’t. My friend ended up dumping him, though, because he was boring and not that smart. I admired her pride and self-respect, which I lacked completely.
Your shame has nothing to do with men. Your dad’s death is relevant mostly because you weren’t around men growing up. You don’t know what a man even is. You can’t just sleep with men and learn about them that way. You have to observe and get to know men in a safe environment. You have to hang out with them and watch them and resist the urge to build your life around one of them. You have to see what men are from close range, but without imperiling your sense of yourself.
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