“Once you’re here for an extended period of time, you sort of stop seeing all of these symmetrical ambulatory man-orchids, and realize what you may not have when you were 12: That’s not you, and it’s never going to be”
Photo: Evening Standard/Getty Images The last time I had sex with a guy, he looked up from tying his shoes afterward and said, “You know, you have a really nice body.”Firstly, because I rarely have sex with anybody who owns the kind of formal footwear that necessitates laces, so I was in a festive mood. Second, because I do not have a “nice body.”
I don’t resent the significant portion of the population for whom the maintenance of impossible beauty standards is a job. Look around any restaurant where you don’t order at a counter, and the other diners will probably look like they should be semi-nude background actors on any HBO show. Because they are. Or they’re hoping to be. Or they’re in porno.
Being constantly surrounded by yacht-ad-gorgeous people has actually made me fetishize them less. They range freely among us, and they are often as screwy and regular as I am. I’m never going to look like the women with chipper metabolisms and angular faces who spend tons of time bonsai-ing themselves into further heights of ludicrous aesthetic aloofness. I’m from Ohio and I’m lazy.
After just a few years of living and working here alongside actual underpants models and professional television break-dancers, I’ve stopped noticing all the abs on the girl delivering my UPS packages. I just remind myself that literally nobody cares if I look good or not except for me, and assholes.
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