CLEVELAND—In an effort to reverse the momentum of an NBA Finals so far dominated by the Golden State Warriors, Cleveland Cavaliers small forward LeBron James reportedly danced naked Wednesday inside a pentagram of black candles in a new pregame satanic ritual before Game 3.
Witnesses confirmed the demonic rite began moments after the conclusion of the pregame shootaround when James, who had carefully removed his warmup pants and hooded cloak to reveal his bare, sweat-slicked body, slowly strode to the center of the court as Quicken Loans Arena darkened and the pounding beat of DMX’s “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” faded into the low hum of Gregorian chanting.
The crowd of 20,000 reportedly continued to stare fixedly up at the scene playing out on the Jumbotron as James soon turned the dagger on himself, inscribing his flesh with the number 23 and letting the blood run down the free-throw lane as he prostrated himself in each cardinal direction to acknowledge the Four Crown Princes of Hell.
“I have taken thy name to live as the beast of the field, rejoicing in this fleshly life and striking dumb my Western Conference adversaries,” the 13-time NBA All-Star said, before reportedly cupping a handful of human ashes and violently tossing it upwards in front of the scorer’s table, leaving the horrified members of ABC’s NBA Finals broadcast team stunned as the human remains settled atop them.
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