I realized that I didn’t need to be completely whole to start dating again. That's why I'm grateful that love was a big part of my healing as I dealt with my trauma.
I hadn’t dated anyone in years until I met a handsome man at a brewery in the Valley. It felt wonderful to be adored, wanted and wooed again.Justin was so handsome; broad, tall and gray-blue eyes like San Francisco fog. He really looked at you when you spoke. So many people in L.A. don’t actually participate in the give-and-take of conversation. They wait for their turn to share their stuff in the air pockets of you talking. Justin’s attention on me was almost startling.
In the Age of Mammals exhibit, multicolored lights moved in rhythm to a DJ mixing hip-hop and dance music. My spine softly vibrated each time Justin bent down to say something in my ear over the music. Something about the way the taxidermist positioned the tiger or the haunting lifelessness of its eyes. By this point, Conor had wandered off ahead us. I later learned he had told Justin before he arrived in L.A. that he was bound to fall in love with me.
I realized something else that night. I could have fun, flirt and dance in front of a Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton to “Nice for What” all while anxious. Dealing with trauma can feel all-encompassing, but life keeps happening — even when your hand shakes as you squeeze the lime into your gin and tonic. A lot of people will tell you that you need to work on yourself before seeking out a relationship. That you need to be whole. But no one is ever fully, really whole. We still deserve good things even when we’re hollow.
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