We asked Tina Fey, Mike Schur, and 35 more TV writers what their characters would do in a pandemic
Clockwise from top-right: Niles Crane in Frasier, Tracy Jordan in 30 Rock, Sawyer in Lost, Olivia Benson in Law & Order: SVU, Elmo in Sesame Street, Coach Taylor in Friday Night Lights, and Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation. Photo: Richard A Chance Archie Bunker would prefer you stand six miles from him. Sawyer from Lost will probably face criminal charges for hoarding and reselling precious items. Elmo is playing musical chairs with his parents.
Kenneth would be the most prepared, having grown up Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity and observing its End of Days Countdown Calendar, which is different from most calendars. “For example, we’ve only had Christmas twice, but Easter is every four hours.” Jack would offer to buy Kenneth’s cupboard of canned chickpeas for a million dollars, but Kenneth would just give him two cans for free.
Timing couldn’t be worse, said Devil, slouching into the falling-down church, swastikas and Aryan Brotherhood symbols on the wall. “How’re we gonna move on that bank with all the gov’mint types and the federal medical-swabbing and taking jabs, testing for the corona. You ask me, there ain’t nothing the matter; they’re just gonna use it to impose martial law.” “I didn’t ask you,” said Boyd Crowder. “And you’re wrong — the timing couldn’t be better.
Today I read Kevin’s favorite author, Faulkner, aloud to him. Then it was time for “Oboe Hour” , then we did a Zumba class. Next, I read Cheddar’s favorite author, Rimbaud, aloud to him in the original French. Then I denied a request from Jake to participate in something called a “Mario Party.” After that, Kevin, Cheddar, and I learned how to build and operate an abacus . Then we took a stroll through the neighborhood, maintaining a distance of three meters from one another.
Jeff would pretend to test positive for the coronavirus just to avoid Susie. But Susie would also “test positive” just to make Jeff miserable. So Susie and Jeff would be locked up in the house together. And the number of affairs Jeff has would go down but not to zero. Archie responds, “Sounds good to me, Meathead.” He turns to Edith, “I’m gonna take a nap. Wake me when it’s six to ten blocks apart. No, make that six to ten miles.” —Norman Lear
The district announced schools will be closed starting tomorrow, so this is the last time we’ll be meeting for a while. Maybe a long while. The least important thing right now is football. However. Still damn important. You’re still on this team. You still have football responsibilities. We’re lucky enough to live in Texas. There’s tons of empty spaces. Go find one and do your running, do your suicides, do your stretches.
You Even in far more normal times than these, social distancing is a key aspect of stalking. The whole deal is you gotta stay far enough away that the subject of your interest doesn’t notice you watching. Currently, all nonessential workers in California have been told to stay home. This would include bookstore managers. But Joe Goldberg is such a good guy.
President Selina Meyer, Veep Photo: Patrick Harbron/HBO Note: The following is an excerpt from Size 2: The Year of Selina Meyer, by Robert A. Caro. Mr. Caro managed to write this “quickie” life story in just 18 months before resuming work on his final volume of Lyndon Johnson’s biography, saying, “I chose Meyer because I write about power, and I thought it would be interesting to write about someone with very little of it.
FADE IN: BENSON, FIN, ROLLINS, CARISI, and KAT, all seen as talking heads in five small laptop-cam boxes.Fine. [Sneezes.] It’s nothing. I got allergies.FIN Gentefied Pop? Self-isolating? Those things mixed together don’t compute. That man doesn’t know how to NOT work. Work is life and life is work to him. After a heavy, dragged-out argument, Erik and Ana would force him to stay home while they keep the shop running. They can’t risk Pop getting sick. Chris would create an over-the-top social-media campaign around his curbside pick-up that would irritate Erik, but at least it helps Pop be at ease while he stays home and catches up on some Netflix.
Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: Picard Photo: CBS “Admiral’s Log. The quarantine stretches on. Essential systems continue to fail. And though many of us are used to long periods of isolation, the prohibition on physical contact, not to mention our inability to leave the ship, is beginning to wear on even the most seasoned members of the crew. Remote communication flourishes — still I am reminded there is no substitute for a direct gaze or the reassurance of a friendly touch.
In fact, Lyn would not have “gotten it” until way later, when Mayor Garcetti made everyone stay indoors — a total overreaction, in Lyn’s opinion.
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