'It is seldom recognised that you carry so many layers of trauma each time you walk through a hospital door.' FrameOfMind
I arrived in the world with a hole in my heart. When I was just four days old, doctors told my mother that I had a complete heart block: a condition where the electrical signal in the heart is faulty. My heart rate was ‘too low to sustain life’. My chances of survival didn’t look good.
Early pacemakers were prone to problems and I spent a lot of time in hospital as my medical team learned how to adjust the settings. Each one would take it in turns to turn my heart rate up and down with a large magnet, as I lay there nauseous and dizzy, zoning out as I counted the holes on the ceiling.
I probably should have been taught healthy ways to express what I was going through, but the truth is that back then, no one knew just what an impact medical trauma could have. There was no psychological support for me or my family. Everyone was just muddling along, trying to do their best to keep me alive. We just got on with it.Growing up, I hated being pitied, aware of the concern that my health caused others. I learned to hold still for countless, invasive, often painful procedures.
Back then, care was a matter of survival, and that meant my mental health wasn’t a consideration. During my teens, I developed PTSD, experiencing terrifying flashbacks and nightmares about being back in hospital, but there was no treatment available. I avoided hospital dramas on TV , the smell of bleach took me back to being in a hospital theatre, and even the sound of a cash register would make me jump – it reminded me of a heart monitor alert.
One of the hardest things about living with a lifelong medical condition is that you have to go through the same traumatic experiences from ‘cradle to grave’ for survival. As an adult, it is seldom recognised that you carry so many layers of trauma each time you walk through a hospital door. Even now, as an adult, each time I go to get my pacemaker checked, or to see my cardiologist or have to go back to theatre, I am a child again.
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