'Jason’s stock-image quality once made him irresistible to me. Now I realize the ubiquity of men like him is what makes them so impossible to escape.'
Illustration: J. V. Aranda Alone in my living room, I Google my ex and pull up his wedding website. I haven’t spoken to Jason in six years, but this site — his engagement photos, the Crate and Barrel registry, the video of the ceremony itself — still hold a strange power over me. I’m entranced by the sense of boring, conventional purity they embody: In the wedding video, my ex is big and muscular, and his new wife is petite with long, beach-wavy hair.
Jason’s most vanilla qualities quickly became novelties for me to fetishize. I liked the idea that I could be blandly, conventionally hot enough to attract someone like him. I had grown up in Manhattan in an insular Jewish community and attended a yeshiva, where intellectualism was prized and sports were unimportant. I was artsy, a little nerdy, and totally uncoordinated. Whenever anyone threw something to me, I’d wince and duck.
Jason and I started dating over the summer. He invited me to visit him at his parents’ house by the Jersey Shore, where we spent days on the beach getting tan and drunk on Southern Comfort and lime. He took me to a mediocre restaurant for dinner, where I nervously picked at a Caesar salad; he removed the lettuce from his burger and inhaled it. Later, we kissed for hours in his parents’ finished basement.
Although we weren’t officially together — and he sometimes had a girlfriend — I never failed to reply to his 1 a.m. text messages. Saturday nights, I would take the PATH train and meet him at the bar on his corner. He would be roaring drunk, dead-eyed, his breath sour with stale beer. He’d drape his heavy arm across my shoulders and I’d slouch uncomfortably under his weight. But I stayed in that position because it approximated the behavior of a real, functioning couple.
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