AskPolly: 'She is deeply in love with me, she’s great, and she’s passionate about us. On the other hand, I keep having this feeling of: What if there’s someone better out there?' hhavrilesky responds
I am in a relationship with a beautiful girl I met in my first year of college, and we’ve been together for about four years now. The thing is that I feel I want to break up with her. I want to be alone, and I want to give myself the chance to be “back in the game.” The problem is that I cannot put my hands on a significant reason to do so. She is deeply in love with me, she’s great, and she’s passionate about us.
I don’t know if he noticed that I was a bad drunk or a show-offy former cheerleader or a shameless sexual marauder. I’m not sure if I showed him my notebooks of maudlin poetry or my giant crate of tormented journals. I don’t think I always insisted that we listen to Jane’s Addiction’s first album instead of R.E.M.’s “Shiny Happy People” one more time. I don’t think I knew, back then, that I couldn’t proceed calmly into pastoral domesticity without crushing something along the way.
Nevertheless, every Wednesday night I ended up drinking with his older frat brother . He was a baby-faced Adam Driver with the sharpest, wildest mind I’d ever encountered. He had shoulders 15 feet wide. He had meat Chiclets. Picture Channing Tatum, but haunted by darkness. He would get very drunk and for some strange reason he’d turn to me and start rambling about how his parents expected him to proceed calmly into an upper-middle-class existence that felt weightless and colorless to him.
But I was a reckless piece of furniture, so I dumped my perfect, devoted boyfriend and I slept with the haunted Navy motherfucker and I traced tiny circles across his glorious meat Chiclets with my fingers while he mused in gloomy, self-involved circles. I also drank too much and cried into my hands because I missed my best friend, with his big blue eyes and his shiny, happy people holding hands. The floor fell out from under me: I was in love and I was also in a lot of pain.
I’m someone who loves love a little too much. Maybe you’re like me. Sometimes you love love more than you love an optimized, pretty life with the ideal mate. And sometimes you love the safety and security of being with someone who knows you and cares about you and is loyal to your corrupt state. There are no easy answers when you’re 19 or when you’re 99.
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