'You know how there are some things you do because they're all you've ever known? That was drinking for me.'
Related:For me, I wanted to understand why I had formed a relationship with it in the first place. Was I drinking because I wanted to, or because it was all I had ever known? Was I actually having more fun or simply hiding my pain? At social gatherings, had drinking become a crutch? I had reached a point where I had so many questions I had never attempted to answer.
I always felt like I was really present when I was drinking, but the next day, I could never recall those moments as clearly as I thought I had lived them.I was well into my hiatus when the holiday season arrived. I had already tackled the initial hurdles that come with not drinking: those awkward moments when you've requested water instead of a drink, then find yourself fielding questions about your choices.
I always thought drinking made everything more fun — and to some extent, it can — but I quickly learned that it also creates a layer between us and our surroundings. It's tricky, because at the time, it's disguised as the opposite. I always felt like I was really present when I was drinking, like I took in and lived each moment to the fullest — but the next day, I could never recall those moments as clearly as I thought I had lived them.That wasn't the case when I was sober.
I realized then that we spend months preparing for the holidays, looking forward to precious time with family we don't see often and traditions that come only once a year, and I couldn't help but wonder what drinking had done to the times I cherished the most. Yes, there's something to be said for living in the moment, but there's also something to be said for being able to relive it. Because once it's gone, the memory is all that remains.
It took being sober during the holidays for me to realize that there are certain memories I don't want to risk losing — and so, I don't.
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