I learned a lot about the black market for other people’s desire. But I lost sight of my own.
We’re more sex positive than ever. But we still haven’t erased some fundamental truths: Women’s bodies are still policed, sex education is still lacking, and talking about sex still carries a stigma. It’s created a whisper network around sex and made the very mention of the words female pleasure enough to make you blush. So this week we're discussing good sex and why it matters. Our mantra? Owning your sexual pleasure is power.
Afterward—relieved, shocked, and full of anticipation—I made a beeline to Chinatown to pick up a few wigs and later to Target for some cheap makeup and lingerie. Lovely Brown, an escort for hire, was officially born. Now, I wasn’t just intrigued; I was broke. I was working part-time at an after-school program, but between being a college student without many marketable skills and the great economic downturn of 2008, it felt as though ends would just never meet. When I got behind on my rent and bills by nearly a month, I decided to see whether I could bridge the gap, just this once, with sex work.
I did a lot of things as an escort that were firsts for me. One guy liked to dress up like a baby while getting pegged from behind. Another client would ring me up sometimes for the express purpose of giving me oral sex, something he said his wife didn’t like to receive but he very much liked to give. At his request I pushed one guy’s head into the toilet bowl, forcing him to eat my shit. As in most underworlds, anything goes.
When I was Lovely, I found power in that idea. It didn’t matter that I was an overweight college student with no fashion sense. I could get grown men to not only desire me but pay me for the privilege of my company. My pleasure was never the priority, but on occasions a special snowflake would blow through my door and it would be good for me too. The work wasn’t honest, but it paid the bills and made me feel sexy during a time when I felt anything but in real life.
After working as an escort, I found sex for pleasure cumbersome, foreign, and at times repulsive. Ironically, casual sex felt like a struggle after being Lovely. How can we share such intimate parts of ourselves with strangers or even casual acquaintances? On top of that, I lost sight of my own sense of sexual pleasure. After such a long time being someone else’s fantasy, I still struggle with my own wants and desires in the bedroom.
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