'Speaking publicly about my husband’s flaws would be a betrayal, wouldn’t it? I thought so. But was my silence about him or me?'
The deeper my husband got into boozing, the deeper I got into my own self-imposed bubble of silence. A loyal, loving wife doesn’t talk about her husband peeing in an alley or passing out in the middle of sex while still inside her. She doesn’t tell stories of turning away in bed, tears streaming because the sour stench of his drunken body is revolting.I don’t remember a specific moment in my childhood that taught me to follow a code of silence.
And I have been as guilty of silence as every other woman before me. In what I assumed was marital loyalty, I kept quiet about my husband’s alcoholism, rarely even questioning why I did so. I didn’t cover for him or make excuses. I didn’t have to lie because life — the part visible to the world outside our home — looked fine.A high-functioning drunk gets through life hiding it all. He’d tough it out through the hangover and go to work anyway.
I had no reason to be nervous, yet my heart thumped in my chest as I gathered myself for the appointment I’d made. With a therapist. A therapist to help me navigate addiction.standing here on the concrete feeling like a shaky schoolgirl? I suppose I irrationally thought of his continued drinking asfailure. I hadn’t found the exact right formula of love and concern that would get through to him.
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