Dear Care and Feeding: The world at large is not quite aligned with what I imagined to be obvious boundaries.
I am the mother of a very outgoing and charming 2-and-a-half-year-old girl. People often tell me she brightens their day with her warm and caring disposition. I adore her personality and want to continue to foster her open nature. However, I also want to teach her healthy boundary setting, particularly when it comes to stranger danger.
My daughter was looking at the taxidermied cheetahs when the man squatting next to her reached out and put his hand over hers. He then proceeded to tickle her stomach. I felt extremely uncomfortable with this but froze for a moment thinking I was overreacting. I then listened to my gut, took her hand, and moved her along.
My dear friend who was with us validated my feelings and supported me in having a discussion about it afterward with my daughter. I explained that when someone touches us we can always say “Get back! I need my space!” which is what we say at the playground if someone is in her space. I have since also been trying to explain to her the difference between family/friends and strangers and how we interact differently with each. I must admit I feel ashamed of not saying anything directly to this man.
What could I have said or done differently toward this man? I’m sure similar incidents will occur again and I want to be prepared. How can I also continue to teach my daughter about boundaries without imparting any unnecessary fear and anxiety? I want her to be strong but also feel as free as she can to explore the world.While I can relate to the shame you have felt when you did not stand up for yourself when receiving unwanted touch, that is ultimately NOT YOUR SHAME.
That said, I do think it’s important that we work on finding our voices in these kinds of situations, so that we can model a new way of being for our children of any gender. It’s natural to freeze in the moment, so having a set of pre-prepared responses can make it easier to get the words out. It can be as simple as, “Please don’t touch.
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