'I’m sad about all the things I missed out on. And I’m scared for what type of parent I might become.'
The author and her father. Photo: Courtesy of Gabrielle Scrimshaw
I do have a mother, but I don’t have a mom. As with many families, our situation is complicated. If people ask, I tell them my mother has struggled with demons throughout her life, but I don’t offer details. As a, her story is heartbreaking, but it’s also not my story to tell. My story, however, is one of always wondering what it would feel like to have a strong mother-daughter bond. As I entered adulthood, it became about questioning if I have what it takes to become a good mom myself.
It’s hard to explain the feeling of missing something you’ve never had. Sometimes, I imagine an alternate universe where my mother and I have a close relationship. Somewhere else, there’s a version of me whose mom taught her how to cook, cried with her after her first big breakup or calls every day just to check in. In my reality, the visits between my mother and I grew less frequent as the years went on. The last time I saw her was seven years ago.
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