“Sleeplessness is for the end of relationships, not the beginning, I think. I feel a bit like a failure. Why can’t I do something that is so simple for most people and a staple of most relationships?”
Photo: Stanton Stephens/Getty Images/Image Source It’s 4 a.m. when I drag my exhausted body out of my new boyfriend’s bed and wrap a blanket around my tired, creaky shoulders. They are so tense they like crack like kindling when I move. I tiptoe down the stairs and settle into his basement couch where finally, I feel my whole body melt. Here, I know I’ll finally drift off. I should’ve called it earlier, but I was too worried about what it meant.
Finally, I stopped fighting it altogether: I went to the doctor and got a prescription. Each night when I placed the anxiety meds on my tongue and washed it down, I did so without remorse. Still, even with the help of medication, I could only fall asleep when alone. So, I chose the couch that was covered in dog hair and smelled like dog breath instead of a bed next to my husband.
Then, my husband found a permanent place to live. He moved out completely. And in the same week, as intense as the experience of watching him move was, somehow, that first night, I fell asleep on my own. Somehow, in the midst of the madness, I started to sleep better than I had since even before my kids were born. I stopped taking the nightly drug that had helped me doze off for nearly a year and a half, cold turkey. I knew I’d never sleep soundly all the time.
After just coming off of a marriage where the end of my ability to sleep was a telltale sign that it was the end of us, I fixate on this. I wonder what it means. I’m terrified that perhaps something is off with our relationship, something I can’t yet see, but my body somehow already knows. It just feels so familiar. Sleeplessness is for the end of relationships, not the beginning, I think. I feel a bit like a failure.
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