'I chewed on pencils, bit my sleeves, chewed my hair, ate paper, tapped my foot, picked my scabs, and felt a strange overwhelming need to blow out candles at restaurants. My hyperactivity became more and more tortuous as I bottled it up inside.'
? Did I have a personality or a mood disorder? Or maybe I was just sad and anxious? I kept ADHD at the back of my mind, but I didn’t even begin to relate it to my ongoing struggles.
I swallowed these questions whole because I was still foolishly ambitious and felt optimistic about college. I grossly overestimated what I was capable of handling in college. I enrolled in the honors college at my university and tried double majoring in English and Physics — all while pursuing my somewhat promising dream of being a successful musician. I had also entirely underestimated the role my family played in keeping me on track in high school.
The end of my freshman year came to a boiling point when I found myself having to write 10 pages of a 12-page research paper the night before it was due. I created an extremely dangerous strategy to kick my dopamine-starved brain into action; the night before an essay was due, I would sacrifice sleep, drink about seven cups of coffee, and tell myself that I only had two options: finishing the assignment or ending my life.
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