“Whether I was stuck in bed with a migraine or fending off a panic attack in the bathtub, I never doubted that Tim would take care of me if I asked him to. The problem was, I didn’t know how to stop asking”
Photo: J.V. Aranda I was lying in the now-lukewarm bath, frantically rehearsing out loud what I hoped to be true: “I’m young and healthy. I’m not having a heart attack. I’m not dying.” My husband, Tim, sat on the edge of the bathtub. His kind eyes looked tired and his once empathetic tone was turning curt, obvious signs of his dimming patience. “I promise you, you’re fine,” he assured me. “You’re just having a panic attack.
A year after my mom’s death, I did find someone: a patient, steadfast man who, on a sweaty July afternoon in our friends’ backyard, promised to love me in sickness and in health. Whether I was stuck in bed with a migraine or fending off a panic attack in the bathtub, I never doubted that Tim would take care of me if I asked him to. The problem was, I didn’t know how to stop asking.
By the time Valentine’s Day arrived, I silently hoped Tim was planning something extravagant, a blatant gesture of love to make up for my difficult few months of anxiety. He came home from work that day empty-handed, totally unaware of my expectations and even more surprised at my disappointment. “Why don’t you ever do anything special for me?” I asked him, exploding into sobs.He was right: He had, for three months, exhausted his emotional and physical energy in keeping me afloat.
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