When a brother or sister marries, it can test even the closest bond... ⬇️ Here's how to cope when a new partner tears siblings apart
When a brother or sister marries, it can test even the closest bond – but it doesn’t have to be that way, says psychotherapist Janet ReibsteinFrom the outset. Every sibling means you are replaceable: firstborns wonder why they weren’t enough, while second- and further-borns know there were always others there before them. But siblings are, profoundly, links in the chain of human connection.
To have a sibling means you experience, and hopefully learn to tolerate, ambivalence. The psychologist Terri Apter describes the guilt a sibling feels for that ambivalence: you love them but hate them, you feel envy and anger for both displacing you as your parents’ focal centre and for forcing the question of uniqueness upon you.
If being a sibling works out well over your childhood, then as you get older siblings can be great resources for you. Some might become your best friends. You’ll know that if you have a good relationship with a sibling and you’ve experienced a death in the family, for instance, they can be a source of exquisite support, solace, humour and understanding because siblings share meanings and experiences.
Milestones comprise events like graduations; attaining jobs, promotions or other occupational successes; marriages; or births. But in any case, marking the milestone can summon past rivalries. Do parents, as well as other family members, not to mention the world, admire the sibling in the limelight more?Marriage
Partners – incomers – necessarily induce changes in you. The positive pole of sibling relationships includes identification – you’re like me, you came from what I came from, you share my practices, beliefs and values – but when we partner up with someone, at least some of those will change and identification will be challenged.
How well does your sibling’s new partner blend into your family? At births of children, how inclusive are the celebrations, for instance? At parental illness and death, does your sibling’s partner share your family’s norms of care and how to mourn?
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