Can you guess who 'The Beautiful Victorian Lady Who Loses All Agency and Passes Out on Her Couch Until the Servants Bring Them Smelling Salts' is?
I spent most of 2018 listening to John Mayer’s “Heartbreak Warfare” on repeat and thinking about how much I missed everything I thought would last forever—summer vacations, fulfilling friendships, my stupid-quick metabolism. You know that saying, “All good things must come to an end.” Well, unfortunately when it comes to relationships, that rule can certainly apply. Cue heartbreak. Cue warfare.
You see, as much as we scheme, ponder and try to make things work, the truth is sometimes they just don’t. Cue long, sweaty naps and standing in long lines at CVS to buy a family-sized bag of sour cream and onion chips for yourself. We learn from a young age how to cope with stress, grief and Big Feelings. And then there’s the innate part of us—our zodiac sign, genetic goop and all that magic and science and whatever—that also claims influence over us.
Heartbreak turns us all into sad, needy little goblins. It’s a big world, and it may be intimidating to imagine navigating that big world without your partner. The time right after a breakup is always when we feel we need someone the most, only—surprise! The person we’re so used to going to is also the very same person who left and inflicted all this heartbreak. A Catch-22 of the worst proportions. Like how cute dogs look in costumes, but it sucks because they hate wearing them.
To those going through heartbreak right now, I salute you. It’s a small consolation now, but time will help you feel less like you are being dragged around by your entrails. Until then, be kind to yourself and the world as you learn to live again—but this time differently. And better.Aries – The Go-Getter When dealing with heartbreak, Aries likes to listen to ’80s power ballads on repeat and eats a truly astonishing amount of Indian food.
Libra – Think: Scorched Earth, But Hotter Libra is an amazing partner and friend—just, don’t piss them off. Libras deal with heartbreak the way they deal with most things: loudly. They admire those that take the high road, but it’s just not their vibe. If they held back anything during the relationships, the floodgates may open now.
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