AskPolly: 'The socializing has become a compulsion that I can’t quite shake, and I don’t know how to find balance.' hhavrilesky responds
How do you learn how to be happy alone? I don’t mean in the sense of being single, although I am. What I don’t have is the ability to sit alone with myself and with my thoughts, and I think that this inability is at the core of some persistent unhappiness that I just can’t shake.
Midway through my degree, I won a fellowship that let me leave the United States for a country in Europe, where I could work on my dissertation in peace. I was so eager to break away from everything. I wanted to isolate myself and break all those obligations that I had built up in my head. Little was keeping me in the States, after all: I don’t have a pet, I don’t have a partner, and I don’t have a mortgage.
The half of your life that’s missing is feelings. You diligently build things using your brain but you’ve neglected your heart and your body along the way. You need to learn how to get in touch with your body and how to exist in space without surrendering yourself to that rapid-fire barrage from your brain.
Likewise, you don’t talk about your interesting roommates, the TV shows you love, the type of news you like to read online, the sorts of layers of study and intellectual discovery that have opened up to you since moving to Europe. I understand it’s an anonymous letter and some of these things might’ve filtered through if you were describing your life to a friend back home.
I’m sure this bleeds into your academic work, too. When you don’t know how you feel and your body never feels calm and well rested, it is INCREDIBLY difficult to write. In order to write clear, focused sentences and to reflect on complex, layered concepts, you need to feel your way through the world in a relatively peaceful, observant state.
Even though this process might sound like walking straight into a haunted house and scaring the shit out of yourself for no reason, what you’ll find, when you turn on the lights, is a bunch of fake-looking automated ghosts running on car batteries. You’ve got to shine a flashlight on these wilted ghouls and see them for the self-created echoes of your underlying anxieties. Your anxieties are your mind’s way of trying to handle all of the feelings trapped inside your skin. You never let them out.
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