HolaPapi: 'Whether in the form of dates, hookups, or casual crushes, I need a guy’s attention to keep myself satisfied.' jpbrammer responds
Illustration: Pedro Nekoi Ever since I came out of the closet, I’ve been a bit of a compulsive dater. Whether in the form of dates, hookups, or casual crushes, I need a guy’s attention to keep myself satisfied. Even when I try to be more independent, I only last for a few weeks on my own before I throw myself back into the dating scene.
I often struggle with this too, Cold Turkey. I really like male attention. It makes me feel good. But in the process of looking for it as one might look for a snack while staring at an open fridge for an hour, I have a few questions I have to ask myself: What are my stakes here? What am I feeling? And Could I be spending my time in a better way?
But when you’re operating from a negative like that, when you’re entering any activity with the mindset of “I need this to validate my existence,” you’re only setting yourself up for failure. You’re putting yourself at the mercy of strangers and giving them the power to make you feel good or bad. Never mind Grindr, never mind sex, and never mind being gay, Cold Turkey, that’s a dire situation for anyone to be in regardless.
For example, a negative response from a stranger on Grindr used to hold the potential to ruin my day. But now it doesn’t. Some random torso called me ugly the other day, and instead of breaking down I was just like, Well, no I’m not, and then I moved on with my day! I could hardly believe it! I’m very proud.
I actually think you’re on the right track with using this self-isolation period to take a break from the apps. As I mentioned, that can be a great step to a breakthrough — so long is you don’t confuse it for being the breakthrough! But don’t do it as some kind of self-flagellation for deigning to desire things, because what’s more important than deleting the apps is how you spend your time away from them.
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