“How can I trust in the future that everything turns out okay — even though I am trying to stay positive for so long and nothing gets better?”
When I was 26, I had a brain tumor. An operation left one side of my face paralyzed. This was a side effect of the surgery and had no further medical implication. After going through this, I needed a fresh start, so I moved to live with my boyfriend of one year. New country, new language, new friends. I studied the language and eventually got a job, made friends, etc. Life was good.
So here I was: ugly from the outside, horrible job, single, hating the city. I decided to get out of my miserable life. I played the “pity card” with my employer and requested a six-month break in order to go on a journey. I traveled around South America and had an amazing time. My paralysis wasn’t the focus; I was sociable and met tons of people and even hooked up with guys. At home, boys had been out of the picture with my sincerely ugly face.
Since I can’t find a job and I’m stuck where I am, my plan is to make the best of it. One possible exit strategy I am trying to pursue is the family project. I want to have a baby soon. I am 36. So I registered at one of the online co-parenting platforms. And if I don’t find the co-father, I’d also consider going to an insemination clinic.
We think in all-or-nothing, black-and-white terms. And a lot of magical thinking comes into play when you’re that black-and-white about your choices. “I will never get a job with this medical condition” becomes “I need to have a baby so I don’t have to get a job” . “I am happy and my condition improves ONLY when I travel” becomes “I must travel to be happy and see my condition improve” .
The hardest thing for you, right now, is living where you are, finding a job, and facing the outside world without fear. You know that there’s no way that this will go smoothly. You’ll feel terrible and vulnerable and afraid. In my opinion, this is your moment to reckon with that reality and do it anyway.
Once the traveling woman gets comfortable and lives inside your life — in the town you don’t like, with the new job that’s maybe just bleh, with the friends who aren’t always perfect — she’ll help you to see these things through a new lens.
Maybe it’s true that no one will hire you. But that’s just a theory that you haven’t tested yet. After you test it thoroughly, you can draw your own conclusions. But you have to try very hard first. Maybe it’s true that you want to just give up and travel for the next few years, and cobble together work and medical care as you go. Again, my instincts tell me that doing these things AFTER you reckon with your current situation is a much better choice.
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