Threats create a fight-or-flight response that leads to withdrawal or a heated argument. Have you ever heard your teen say, “So what? I couldn’t care less!” when you threaten him? How do you tell the difference between a threat and a choice?
like wallets, keys, books, glasses, and papers. These mishaps lead to panic and guilt, which can make the teen defensive. The more a parent blames a teen for not caring about his things, the less likely he is to listen to parental advice. Losing things becomes a flashpoint that interferes with communication between parent and teen.
To avoid this chain of events, wait until things are calm and friendly, and offer suggestions in a non-accusatory manner. Say, “I know you have trouble finding things. That must be frustrating. I have a few ideas that might help, if you would like to try them.” Suggest organizing the things he loses most often. Hammer a nail in the wall, or buy a fancy key holder, so he can practice putting his keys there every time he comes home. Buy a large red folder for homework and agree on an easy-to-find place to keep it. Have him practice putting loose bills in his wallet instead of leaving them — wherever.Choices give your teen opportunities to solve his own problem. Threats create a fight-or-flight response that leads to withdrawal or a heated argument.
How do you tell the difference between a threat and a choice? A threat includes punishment as one of the choices. “Clean your room, or you can’t use the car. The choice is yours.” A better way to say this is, “You need to clean your room. You can do it now or after dinner.” Another example is, “You can choose to stop bothering your sister or to leave the table.” If choice two is a punishment, the teen interprets this as a threat.
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