The days are getting shorter. The air is getting crisper. The schools … have been gotten back to. Yes: Fall is officially upon us
But it has barely begun. In the next few months, you will scroll through endless Instagram photos of flannel-clad apple-picking jaunts. You will wake up mysteriously famished in the middle of the night, yearning for a mouthful of discounted drug store candy corn. You will encounter a single, perfect red leaf falling from a tree, a poignant reminder of our slow, relentless march toward oblivion.
Apple picking is a scam. You pay someone money to do work, and then pay, like, three times more money for a product than if you bought it from a store. The entire process goes against all the common-sense immigrant values I was raised with. But when I started dating a white man from the Midwest, I felt it was important to learn and share some of his cultural customs.Lord of the Flies–
esque competition to pluck the most desirable apples off the trees that were increasingly being picked bare by other Brooklynite couples who had driven up to the Hudson Valley. The payoff was a comical amount of apples hanging out in my crisper, which I’d occasionally look at and consider turning into applesauce before remembering that I’m not a baby. The worst part is that the apples are just FINE. They’re fine.
, then now is the time to hide your body under a rotating selection of shapeless Chunky Sweaters™ and piles of knit blankets until May. If I could fit my entire body inside a pumpkin , I would.
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