We need to talk about how Simon never lasts for more than 35 seconds.
You know that thing when you’re desperately in love with your new husband and he’s desperately in love with you, but you both don’t tell each other because you’re both far too modest, and then you confess your feelings at the exact same time and have blissful missionary sex for 26 seconds in front of a roaring fire?
It goes like this – Simon unhooks Daphne’s gown and unstrings her corset in the time it would take a 21st-century man to so much as locate the back of a bra. He asks for consent with genuine care, after which we are rewarded with a full, soft-focus shot of his butt. All of this is sadly overshadowed by the fact that Daphne doesn’t know what sex is and doesn’t find out until it is happening to her. Couldn’t he have drawn her a diagram or something? It saddens me to report that the Duke of Hastings would not make it in the competitive world of sex-positive Instagram educators today. Luckily, unlike almost all human women, Daphne comes after having less than one minute of penetrative sex and almost no foreplay.
Now, this is very important: In this scene we see the couple have sex from start to finish – the camera does not cut away once. I counted, and counted again, and from start to finish, Daphne and Simon engage in 29 seconds of foreplay once they get out of the rain. Then he takes off his pants and gets on top of her, and they have sex.
I timed 13 seconds between him getting on top of her and then rolling away across the stone mausoleum floor. In fact, you can think about it this way: They have sex only long enough for Taylor Swift to sing, “Wildest dreams, oh! Wildest dreams, oh! Wildest dreams, oh!” I recognize that this is a TV show, not a how-to sex guide.
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