Advice from Annie Lane.
I have two daughters, and they have children. I had to move to a different state because my children thought my life should solely be about my grandchildren. I’m still in my 40s.
After I moved, my children continue to call on me for babysitting. They plan “vacations” for me to come watch their kids while they go on an actual vacation. I have to fly back to their state and take off from work. Now, they do pay for the airfare, and I stay at their home with the kids, but I feel I am obligated to plan a full week of things for my grandchildren to do -- at my expense. There are five grandchildren, ages ranging 2-8. This happens twice a year.
I am a young widow, so there is no grandpa to shoulder some of the weight. How do I explain to my kids that as much as I love my grandchildren, I would like to go on vacation, too!: You have to say to your daughters exactly what you said to me in this letter. Maybe you could find activities at your local library, park or beach where you could find activities that don’t cost money.I miss the days when society’s rules gave people the “right” to grieve for a year.
I wanted to respond to the friend who felt that a grandmother grieving for 10 months is prolonged grief; it’s not. As a bereaved mom, I lost many “friends” who felt this way, who just didn’t understand why I couldn’t get over it. I had two other children and a baby on the way, etc.I learned that the first year after the death of a loved one is bad because of all the firsts you experience, such as the first Christmas without them.
Finally, I want to recommend an organization called The Compassionate Friends, which is a good resource for those who experience the death of their child or grandchild as well as friends and people who want to help.: I am so sorry for your loss, and I want to thank you for sharing your experience. Grieving takes the time that it takes, and anyone who tries to hurry you along is being insensitive.
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