'It struck me how easily what looks like love to some can look like cruelty to others.'
When my sister was two and I was six, my grandmother came from Jinan, China, to stay with my family in Tuscaloosa, Alabama for a year to help watch us while my parents worked to get their degrees. When she arrived, we taught her a handful of English phrases we thought she might need:It’s unhygienic and obscene to press your body so close to someone else’s, she griped.
But even without the threat of a virus, my Chinese family wouldn’t have naturally greeted us with a huge embrace. East Asians just don’t hug. While every family is different , generally speaking,touching is as normal in East Asia as air-kissing is in Europe. The first time I tried shaking hands with someone in Japan, I felt like I was trying to tango with someone who didn’t realize we were dancing. To say hello, we gesture: to an empty chair, to grab a bag you’re carrying, through an open door.
In China, love means actions — not affection. In America, having to “do” anything in order to receive love, especially for children from their elders, turns love into a transaction. But in China, duty is the purest expression of love: the acts, considerations, inconveniences, unacknowledged self-sacrifices, and extra labor are what you do in order to spare someone else pain, no matter how piddling.
“Don’t encourage her,” my aunt repeats, as my cousin dodges a gleeful slap from Jiajia as she crouches to embrace her daughter after a successful trip to the potty. But my aunt encourages Jiajia in different ways, like spending an hour making an elaborate lunch just for her, with special mini noodles and thinly sliced vegetables that’s easier for a tiny mouth to eat.On New Year’s Day in China, we all gathered around the television to watch the annual state-produced Spring Festival Gala.
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