AskPolly: 'He says he’s sorry if he’s misled me, but if I want to have children in the immediate future, I should break up with him and find someone else.' hhavrilesky responds
I am 38 years old and all the usual stuff — fairly attractive, great friends, fulfilling career, etc. From 22 to 34, I lived with a boyfriend who refused to marry me or think about having children, which was why we eventually broke up. Following this, I had a few years of not meeting anyone I really clicked with.
I don’t want to be with anyone else, so I’m simultaneously trying my best to enjoy what I do have but also hoping that somehow things will magically fall into place. You’re in a better position than they were, because your boyfriend isn’t telling you to wait for him. He’s telling you to break up with him. And when someone says the words, “You should probably break up with me,” what they mean, nine times out of ten, is “I’m not sure about us, and even if you don’t dump me right now, I’ll probably dump you sooner or later.
Your boyfriend might love you very much. But he doesn’t love you enough for your purposes at this moment in your life. You need someone to love you more than this. You deserve that. This experience doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, either. Know that. Some people fear the future more than they value love in the present.
What’s messed up is people like that often find a way to date people like you, people who can make decisions, who do want things, who aren’t afraid of change, but who DON’T KNOW HOW TO STAND THEIR GROUND YET. I had my second kid at age 39 and I don’t really feel like an older mother. You have to do what makes sense to you, but personally, I don’t think you have some ethical obligation not to raise a kid alone past a certain age. Honestly, I think you’re putting undue pressure on yourself with that belief and blocking your path to what you want for no reason. I wouldn’t normally quibble with someone’s beliefs on this front, but in your case, it sounds like that’s a pattern with you.
Part of the joy of living this way comes from knowing that you’ll have your own back. It makes everything possible, and it makes anything possible.
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